Now… Far be it for us in TellyVox towers to point fingers and accuse anyone of doing a crap job, but we’ve kept shut for too long. The All Ireland Talent Show is a little bit shit.

In fairness, we gave it a go, and we have been impressed with its stylish inserts and fighting talk from the judges (take note every other RTÉ show…). But christ on the a stick I’m sure we’re not the only one to notice there’s no talent and unless you were a shit singer, a creepy child, obsessed with fiddles and squeezeboxes, or ghetto then you didn’t stand a chance. It was all a little one dimensional. Not to mention the most ridiculous panel ever. If this doens’t kill off panel lead shows then nothing will…

What’s even more bizarre though, is the format. Yes we knew from the start it was a rip off  similar to Britain’s Got Talent, but it’s got more holes then Sile Seoige’s Grainne Voodoo doll.This ‘wildcard’ thing that they seem to be fascinated with each week seems to have turned out to be nothing more then an opportunity to allow Blanaith to feel included. With her shiney hair and low cut dress, Grainne announced to the nation that the wildcard would be picked by the judges while in a locked room (petrol and rag on fire optional we presume). As Ireland holds it breath, they have to wait until Sunday to find out which act it is. Presumably to stop her from going on a psychopathic rampage, it’ll be Blanaith and some bog child she’s convinced the public should love.

Each week the judges voted, none voted lower then a 7 and int he final few weeks a ‘rival’ was built between Dana and Blanaith. Dana, being closer to god and generally being a scary ass mo fo, seems to have come out on top. John Creedon is from Cork, and there’s nothing else about him that’s remotely relevant to the series. Daithi seems confused by what’s happening and Shane Lynch just seems to be happy to be getting out of the house.

Our favourite bit though is hard to chose. Is it the 5 minutes it takes Grainne to close the phone lines? When the audience always chuckle in the background because they’re desperately trying to create tension?

Or is it how she ‘converts’ the votes on the leader board to a points system from 5-1 in a manor that stop short of saying "NOW-I-KNOW-UR-DUMB-AS-PIG-SHIT-SO…".

Or just Grainne in general, doing her best Cat Dealy impression from Britain’s Got The Pop Factor…

Whatever it is, we’re counting the days will series 2!!!

Firstly, we’d like to apologise for the lack of updates, the site redesign is taking an absolute age and we’re so hooked on the All Ireland Talent Show that we find it difficult to get through the week. One of those is true…

Anyway, the latest headlines today on rte.ie warranted a response. According to the site itself some ’serious’ cost saving measures are needed in order to tackle a shortfall. Among various suggestions by the DG, it seems that the backbone of the independent sector is going to be targeted and freelancers will be asked to reduce their rates. 

This was first mentioned last week, and we’ve had a number of emails from freelancers ranting about its ridiculousness. Freelancers get paid based on in-house rates in RTÉ, if it’s any higher its usually because they don’t have a steady stream of work because RTÉ commissions at will. No one could have failed to notice the tumble weed floating around the past few months int he indy sector, and the doom and gloom looks set to continue.

For the love of god Montrose, don’t let this sector suffer for the sake of overpaid fat cats and presenters with little or no talent. There are some absolutely wonderful independent production companies out there that are innovative and creative and are just waiting for you to give them a voice. You cannot expect them to work for less than your staff, and you need to remember the nature of the freelance business. 

Maybe making Grainne get her hair done in house would be a good cost saving measure… And not employing every family member of those in charge. Don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten!

You have to hand it to those Montrose folk. We’ve been hearing for weeks that they were about to announce sharp cutbacks, and that things weren’t going to be easy next year. Eventually, after dragging the announcement out for two weeks they finally revealed yesterday the extend of their ‘trouble’.

In case you didn’t know, advertising revenue is falling. It’s about to fall so much that RTÉ might just have to ask a number of ‘big’ stars to take pay cuts. Yesterday Cathal Goan announced various plans and actions they will put in place to keep their (wait for it…) 2,300 staff. Two thousand, three hundred… Telly Vox would like to take a moment now to ask the question that is probably on everyones lips… WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY ALL DO???

Cost saving measures include a clampdown of foreign trips abroad. Meaning Cannes will be a lonely and dessolate place next Mip. We pressume this also means RTÉ won’t be entering, or even bothering to go to the Eurovision this year. It does beg the question, without foreign travel how will they be able to bag top rating US shows to stick in ridiculous late night slots?

Interestingly they don’t mention productions, or the IPU. Given that for most of this year everyones known very little has been comissioned how will this affect the independent production companies? Surely they’ll have to broadcast something new and original. A new series of I’m An Adult Get Me Out Of Here? Or Livin’ With Lucy? Unless they’ve a whole heap of Reeling In The Years they haven’t told us about? Reeling In The Months could fill a few weeks if they put their mind to it. 

If you have suggestions on how to save RTÉ then send em in to us. We’d love to hear and pass them on, pretending they’re our suggestions and thus getting our show about talented one legged black kids in Balinah comissioned. Might we suggest though, that RTÉ starts with cutting the fat. And while you’re at it invest in a fucking switchboard system that works.

You know you’ve gone too far when you’re being judged by Lucy Kennedy. The star of the hugely pointless Living With Lucy has decided to let the world know that Ryan on Ryan on Ryan Confidential was perhaps a Ryan too far. When standing in for Ian Dempsey on Today FM she said it left her feeling a little uncomfortable. She then plugged the IFTA* winning Living With Lucy.

For those of you who didn’t witness the cringe fest, and thus didn’t scratch their eyes out and douse themselves in detol, Ryan Tubridy (the smug one on Radio1) interviewed Gerry Ryan (the smug one on 2fm) in what was a prime example of exactly whats wrong with RTÉ. Why not just shine a light out of Gerry’s hole for an hour and be done with it? That’d save you a few cent!

Exactly what warranted the sudden star treatment for Gerry Ryan I’ll never know. Is he about to die? Is he the Irish Michael Parkinson and we just never realised it? Or is he about to peddle a book on the nation and RTÉ are supplying him with ample air time to plug it? Either way it was shockingly rubbish.

Anyway, while we’re on Ryan Confidential we’ve heard a story about a certain episode that went tits up mid way through filming but we’d like it confirmed. If anyone in RTÉ wants to let us know what exactly happened when Gerry met ****** then we’d love to hear from you. Failing that, if anyone else has heard the story get in touch.

*Well, not yet. But maybe some day…

As a regular reader of the Telly Vox you may have thought "fuck me! that looks a bit like Anne Doyle!" as in thrown together and missing vital bits, but we love it anyway…

 Well fear not! The Telly Vox has had the painters in and we’re revamping. Unfortunately while we wait for the paint to dry you’ll have to make do with our current mess. Expect a new look within the next two weeks…

The Just Plain Ugly

The Late Late Show

RTÉ

Unfortunately there’s not much that can be done for this show apart from get a new host. And since RTÉ insist on sticking to their guns and pay Pat Kenny a ridiculous amount of money to stay on air, then we’re stuck with it. There’s no room for improvement. The Late Late under Gay Byrne felt like a world class chat show, with interesting guests that opened up and made for great television. The Late Late under Pat seems like a live version of VIP with painted smiles, rubbish bands and barely thought out guests. Even when it gets serious it feels stilted and unnatural. The highlight for most viewers that tune in, is to spot how often Pat Kenny flips and plays with his cue cards.

Winning Streak

RTÉ

As we’ve said before, we’re not too sure about Aiden Power. From his days on Open House to his most recent sting on Failte Towers, he’s always seemed a little bit insincere and fake. We do however love Kathryn Thomas. She’s RTÉ’s only party girl and someone we want to have a lot of drink with. Unfortunately she can’t do anything to save this mess.

Winning Streak came back this year in a new format, with new games and prize, a new set and two shiney new hosts. Nothing about the ‘revamp’ works. Now, we know the show isn’t exactly aimed at us, we’re at least 10 years away from incontinence pants and we don’t often mourn the passing of Life At Three, but it should be at least watchable. And we’ve tried, we sat through two of them. Both felt like the extended version of Titanic, slowed down and without the boat sinking. Kathryn and Aiden are doing their best to stop the set from falling down and you get the distinct impression they’re making the games up as they go along. The audience now have an interactive element (clearly the one line in the ‘recommission Winning Streak’ pitch that saved its ass, RTÉ LOVES audience interaction) where one of them decides the faith of the nation by spinning a wheel, or turning a knob or just standing there in a sweaty mess while Kathryn hikes her skit up a notch or two.

Ireland AM

TV3

Yay! Sinead is back.

Boo! It’s still a pile of wank.

 

Seoige

RTÉ

OK, so this has only aired for one week. And it could still prove to be amazing, but we doubt it. The runner that came up with the inspired choice of hiring Grainne’s sister as her co-host should be shot. At least with Joe, it was amusing to watch him squirm. Sile is Ireland’s ultimate Lovely Girl, Grainne is like Ireland’s Anne Robinson… See the problem there? Ice + Warmth = water.

They have tweaked the format slightly. Obviously Sile needs to earn her crust in her first series so they’re sending her out once a week to behind the scene of a ‘top rating’ radio/television show! Week 1 is Fair City, so we should expect the set of Desperate Housewives for week 2. Anyway, it seems like a lame attempt at keeping Grainne on air and reminding us all that the show can be called anything but Grainne is the star.

After months of speculation and talk in all corners RTÉ has finally launched Dragons’ Den today.

 

The format, which has been a huge success in the UK is being produced by Screentime Shinawil and wil lbe presented by Richard Curran, deputy editor of the Sunday Business Post.

RTÉ.ie is reporting that the Irish dragons will be: Gavin Duffy, Bobby Kerr, Sean Gallagher, Niall O’Farrell and Sarah Newman.

Audiences will have no idea who any of those are, so that’s got to be a good thing. New faces for Irish TV! Hurrah. Though I doubt there’s anyone out there that’s actually going to apply. Also, note that everyone apart from Sarah Newman is balding. Oh dear.

The Could Do Better

The Apprentice

TV3

Two episodes in and this motley bunch of Apprentices have yet to set the world alight. The bug eyed dopey one got fired on week one, the hunched nordy on week two. My guess is the deaf mute will go on week 3? In theory it’s good. It looks great on screen, Dublin doesn’t look as sexy as London but it was never going to. The boardroom doesn’t look like the UK but it isn’t bad (it could be a lot better though) and Bill isn’t as a gift grub cartoon though I suspect choppy editing is the key to that. But we’ve not been wowed. The first task was simple but it felt like we were getting clip after clip after clip. It was too choppy and not enough development. Then the second task was just bizarre, contestants had to launch a game. But how did they manage to fill the places? Apart from an Adidas sign (that we never heard the end of) nothing else made sense. The branding exercise alone looks like it could a huge downfall, but it’s too early to tell. Next week Supermacs get a look in, as do men dressed in bunny costumes.

Midday

TV3

It’s like loose women, for everyone! TV3 have recently decided that you don’t need to build a set, just buy a sturdy table a bit of carpet (beige is preferable) and you can just green screen the rest. Midday looks unsettling. The set is meant to appear built but you spent most of your time trying to guess which bits are real and which aren’t. Martin King gives the local Dublin perspective with his ‘Ah sure would ya look at that’ way of saying things, Alan Cantwell gives his ‘I should have been poached by RTÉ by now’ attitude and looks incredibly uncomfortable and Collette Fitzpatrick looks excited, constantly. We’re meant to feel like we’re sitting in these peoples living rooms as they talk to Ireland AM regulars. Still, at least Alan Hughes isn’t on it!

Tubridy Tonight

RTÉ

This is actually teetering on the edge of the ‘Christ Enough Already’ category. I’m not entirely sure I should give the show air time but it does seem to be trying. It’s come back with a new logo, new opening credits, a semi new set but unfortunately Ryan is still presenter. Much of the show goes as follows: 

Celeb guest Late Late turned down: Oh Ryan, you’re lovely.

Ryan: Oh stop it now, I’m blushing.

Celeb guest: No you are.

Ryan: Thank you but I’m not, this ladies and gentlemen is called sucking up to the host!

<no one laughs>

Ryan: Here’s some free things!

<audience cheers and laughs, guest feels redeemed, Ryan feels like he’s humble. He’s not>

The reason it’s in this category is because it’s something different and you gotta like the fact RTÉ didn’t go down the Kenny Live route. It’s also not the Late Late and doesn’t involve Pat Kenny. Both of which are excellent reasons for giving it a chance. The new set is also quiet cool too, elaborates on the shows look and feel. Ryan is still it’s biggest down fall though…

Class Act

RTÉ

As we reported earlier in the year, this mess of a show was recommissioned after all and sundry knew it had been axed. It came back fighting! With a new host (Derek Mooney) and a new panel. Mooney is woefully mis-cast as its new host. For a show that was incredibly uncool last year, putting himself in the driving seat is a death sentence. Caroline Morahan seems particularly confused about what part she’s playing in the show and is convinced she’s hosting the judging panel. That said, the other two members of the panel are interesting. Veronica and Julian know what they’re talking about and when they argue over someone you’re convinced both of them could be right. Something missing from a lot of talent shows. That said, Veronica is 80…

If it were to come back for another year, ditch Caroline and Derek and make the show worth watching.

Who Do You Think You Are

RTÉ

‘Hello, I’m Dana. I’m related to the pope, actually I am the pope.’ The end.

Why don’t we like this? Because we don’t care where Joe Duffy came from. We don’t care that Dana’s roots go back to the famine. And we don’t care about Linda Martin full stop (sorry Linda…). This is the laziest piece of television RTÉ have ever done purely because of its casting. It’s typical Irish television, buy a format but fill it with people RTÉ think we want to know more about. Unfortunately it’s probably down to who would say yes, at last minute and without payment. The show its is interesting, but when you look at the inspired choices that have taken part in the UK one, you really do have to question if Pamela Flood is really all that interested in what happened her family. These people aren’t personalities, they’re old reliables. Had it been George Hook, or Eamon Dunphy well THEN you’ve got our attention.